i'm sorry. i shouldn't have just left like that, but you walked away remember? to you and only you i owe an explanation, and if i were to tell you would you believe me?
to return from australia, be dazzled by a hundred balloons and a hundred friends, to be immersed in business camp making new friends, to have university and hall hovering about the corner, and right about then we break up.
and of course, i am lai wai kit. and i could never be satisfied with just one girl, could i? they are all lining up to be with me, and you were just one lucky one. now i have all the freedom i need, to explore and have many girls, to lead the life i want. while you will just sit by the side and hope that one day i will realise i love you, and want you, and need you only...and only then would i come back home.
you are too self assuming step, and i speak with a tinge of regret amidst remorse that close to three years i am still that murky character to you
lets just say i had always turned to you as the girl i would spend the rest of my life with. you ain't a little honeymoon character to me, and shall i borrow the script once-too-many repeated to my friends.
a
couple just together would look to the present each day. what would i do for her? where would i bring her today? how should i surprise her this weekend?
a year passes and the
couple still together would look to the past each day. damn this wretched relationship is getting on my nerves but silly me, look at the happy times we shared
and perhaps a few more pass and the
couple now together would look to the future. is this the girl i am going to live with for the rest of my life? is this the girl i am going to have little babies with and my family? would i be able to live with her for the days of my sagging balls?
and that was when it hit me.
remember the little talks we have by the swing and i told you that our lives are so different? our values such sharp contrast? our ways of life ever at loggerheads?
but you blame it on your upbringing. you speak of nice parties you have and how you cannot live without it and how you would want that for our kids and it scares me step, it really does.
i cried, and you rubbed away those tears for me, but you didn't speak of the way i would want our lives to be. you only said "i know you'll make it babyboy" and that expectation thundered upon me, and i was scared. cuddled in your arms.
but of course, it has always lingered in our relationship, this standing issue. but it was fortunately/unfortunately catalyised by our friends. xwei was particularly offended when you said you loved me for my money, and i know it too.
i know it step, you wouldn't have loved me if i were poor, and i don't blame you step.. i had told our dear friend that it has been two years hasn't it? i love you and you love me, and why would the fact that you loved me for my money be a key factor to a gaping tear to our relationship? after all, i wouldn't have loved you if you weren't that cute and pretty thing.
Friday, October 07, 2005
4:45 AM
Parting Shot
i admit, i have been a little indecisive these days. i played a girl by her heart, toying around with the most sacred emotions like a lego piece twisted amidst my wretched fingers. but i was afraid.
i tell you today, finally, because i have come to a consensus that it would have to be told sooner or later. and if we do falter, i had rather it be sooner.
you bought two pretty little things today. and its true, i had no right to stop you buying little expensive things like that, but at least begrudge my anger would you. i know not what you are in this relationship for, but 4 months into our love i had come to the realisation that you are for real.
yet if we were to marry, there would be certain things we've got to come to agree upon. little things i would demand change, and those little things which you cannot change i would have to come to adapt. to change upon myself. but not all, my girl, not all.
i say to you, the day i stop scrowling when you pick two little expensive things off the shelf, would be the time you know its over. it would be that day when you know i've given up on our love, on what could have been our lives, and it would be that wretched moment that any other girl that comes by my life would become the next great possibility in place of you.
it would, alas, be at that sordid instant that you know i have come to accept that it is easier to change a girlfriend than to change a girlfriend's habits. remember the little episode on one lonely night at west coast?
i meant every word i say my darling.
but i digress. because i hadn't loved you from the start. not at all.
but step, you made me grow to love you. from nothingness to a love so great, greater than anything or anyone i had loved before, and i told xwei, this is a girl i am not going to let go
but you quarelled with xwei, over little messages of this and that, over differing views imposed upon each other, and it tore me apart. i wasn't on either side, i was on yours because you had the right to love me for whatever reasons you did, but i was on xwei's too because i lived my life the way she would live hers, and hence i defended her with the little tears of my birthday and my adulthood, and you rubbed away those tears for me once more, not speaking of the way i would want our lives to be but saying once again "i know you'll make it babyboy"
and of wanjun. i loved her, i told you didn't i?
and i loved her when we accidentally got together, and i told you didn't i?
it was a gross mistake, but what girlfriend did i have as complicated as this, i was an inexperienced boy whom you stole my first sacred kiss, and things just fell together faster than i could grasp it all.
and the days it passed and i thought i could forget her and all, but my days of affection for her were strongest when we quarelled, and how often we quarelled my dear? i must admit, the day i learnt she was attached both tore my soul and lifted me beyond words.. i could finally pull myself away yet that tingling jealousy of someone i loved quite beyond anything now belonged to someone else.
stop crying baby. remember how i told you a man is worth no princesses' tears?
you asked for the why and you asked for the truth and i tell you in whole and spirit and it will hurt.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
1:02 AM
The Nonsensical Poem
waiting for the inevitable sin
kas it tickles and tempts at a sp
anever knowing what to expect would
ijuxtapose colours of pinkish orange i mix and bre
wunder the stars of kismis and the aussie pin
enever never thought it would come to this would
ipray tell,
how not woo `d olive knot
`i do not know who to lovenow do you know my girl, how i cleverly toy with emotions but end up quite a gullible toy?
i still love her
so tell siewping and rain, the butterfly that lost her wing is nothing compared to my betrayal. i have no right to be angry with you. and i have lost my dignity to be upset even if you had kissed him.
because the girl i am going to live with the rest of my life, it means so much more in spirit than the physical realm, i had betrayed you spiritually but what did you?
naught.
what more, the only reason why you had fallen for a little of a wing would be my incompetence of a boyfriend, and i had allowed you to fall for someone else. you wouldn't have had this swaying if i held you tight enough, and any guy would deserve it.
but step, thank them. it takes a lot for a friend to betray the trust of a friend for the betterment of her life. they plucked an immense courage i would have not known of them, to tell me something i already knew, quite silly but these are the friends of your life. don't you think so?
so now i say, lets take a step back.
i need to scratch that head and discover who i truly love
you need to realign your life to a new centre of gravity and realise what you are truly capable of, with or without me. and to live within your ability, not your expectations
we need to mend the broken bridge of friendships with the dearest people of our lives, and step. the only fault of theirs is their hesitance in transparency
and if it is too hard for either of us, perhaps it is time to let go,
and leave.
